The Pest
(The Channel Awesome logo is shown, followed by the intro) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. The career of John Leguizamo has been an interesting one, to say the least. (Stills of John Leguizamo are shown, including his roles in movies like ''The Happening and Super Mario Bros.)'' NC (vo): Nowadays, he's respected as a very versatile actor. Even when he's in a bad film, chances are he's at least earning in a good performance. But for a while, he was that guy nobody knew what to think of or do with. NC: He...seemed to be pushing himself as a funny man. NC (vo):'' ''With roles like To Wong Foo, ''Spawn'', and even the most 90s-titled sketch show of all time, House of Buggin. Why don't you just have a show called... (A photo of a blonde man in sunglasses holding a huge phone is shown with the title...) NC (vo; in a "cool" voice): Big Phones are Wack, Jack! (Back to shots of Leguizamo) NC (vo): You can't argue this guy was, and even still is, a workhorse, turning in tons of performances a year. But it still took people a while to accept him as a high-caliber actor. NC: And maybe movies like The Pest could be the reason why. (The title for the film is shown, followed by clips) NC (vo): A retelling of "The Most Dangerous Game", if you want to call it that...I don't...I've been getting requests for years to review this one, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued why. From the trailers, it just seems like a run-of-the-mill forgettable bomb, but something about it rubbed people a certain way that apparently deserves to be talked about. So, what is it that propelled this box-office disappointment into the realms of cinematic infamy? (sighs) Sadly, there's only one way to tell. NC: (puts his hands to the cheeks) Let's take a look at the highly requested and sure to be highly regretted...The Pest. (The logo of the studio that made this movie, "The Bubble Factory", is shown. FUCKING BUBBLES!) NC (vo): Ooh! From the studio that brought us such quality entertainment as (posters of...) Flipper, A Simple Wish, and Slappy and the Stinkers! NC: I haven't seen that last one; I just love saying "Slappy and the Stinkers"! (The opening credits start rolling as the R&B music begins kicking in) NC (vo): This has to be a movie that has a record scratch in it. (Just as said, a record scratch marks the cut to action) NC: Twelve seconds in! I choose not to celebrate that. (The title character, Pestario Vargas, or Pest for short, is first shown showering and singing multiple songs close to the camera) NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see Leguizamo playing a man named Pestario... NC: (looking glum) You know, like when Steve Martin played J. Erk... (The poster for the 1979 movie ''The Jerk is shown, featuring Martin's character, Navin R. Johnson)'' NC (vo): ...doing his best impression of Carrot Top from Chairman of the Board. (Pest is imitating an Egyptian while vocalizing a song heard in multiple cartoons that feature Egypt. Then cut to him imitating a Japanese person wearing glasses) Pest: (as a Japanese person) Nice lady, I'm hurting, I'm hurting! I'm sexy, but I'm hurting! NC: (adjusts glasses, as the shot of I. Y. Yunioshi from ''Breakfast at Tiffany's is shown)'' On behalf of Mickey Rooney, I am very offended right now. Pest: (now wearing a vampire cloak and teeth) One stinky-dinky, ha! NC: Who showers with all this shit?! NC (vo): And I don't know what camera you're singing to, but can it electrocute you already? (Pest spits out some water, and cut to...three people's legs dancing in unison in the same shower) NC: (smiles) Okay, that's a bit funny. Pest: (crossing eyes, high-pitched voice) I'm in the mood to scam / Simply because I can! NC: (shakes head) I'll give the movie this: it has the fastest turnaround time for emptying a built theater. (A photo of an empty cinema is shown) NC: And that was at its premiere. Pest: (walking comically to his room) Get stupid, get retarded, / 'Cause Pest'll get the party started! NC: (hand on cheek) I don't think that Asian stereotype was offensive enough. Let's make Sean Connery blush! (James Bond as an Asian man from ''You Only Live Twice is shown)'' (Pest is shown wearing...buck teeth, glasses with narrow eyes and huge ears) Pest: I'm as crazy as they make 'em, shake 'em... NC: (bemused) Connery-Schmonnery, even John Wayne would be like... (A shot from ''The Conqueror is shown, with Wayne as Genghis Khan)'' NC (vo; as Wayne): I don't know this guy. (Pest appears in the living room, where his family is having breakfast) Pest: Did somebody summon me? NC (vo): He greets his family, who, surprisingly, find him a little annoying. Father: I'm so proud. My son, the delivery boy. You know, your mom's birthday is coming up, huh? What are you gonna steal for her this year? NC: Ah, Dad in his morning expositions. Couldn't we have another song and dance number-- (Pest resumes dancing and singing) NC: (surprised) I was totally kidding! (Pest's mother actually joins him in dancing) NC (vo): This has to be a record for the most annoyance squeezed in its opening four minutes! (as Pest) Wait, this feels wrong. I'm sure I have some blackface to balance out the shocking with the awful! Pest: That was nasty. I have to go to work. (makes a V sign) Love, peace and chicken grease! (leaves the house) NC: (as a mother) Every day, I pray a bus hits him. (We're introduced to a German hunter Gustav Shank and his accomplice Leo, played by Jeffrey Jones and Tom McCleister, riding in a car, with Shank's head close to the camera) NC (vo): Here's a nicely framed shot. It looks like Jeffrey Jones is about to "Pac-Man" eat a smaller clone of himself. NC: Who am I kidding? It's probably the happy ending somehow! Shank: The most challenging prey is often the most difficult to find. (takes out binoculars to look, and the final credit for the director Paul Miller is shown inside them) NC (vo; as Shank): Ah-ha! Paul Miller will be our next target! I'll show him for directing (poster of...) Wizard of Oz on Ice...that was a thing? Wow. (Pest meets up with a gang of boys on street and decides to play basketball with them) NC (vo): Leguizamo goes searching for a plot, when he comes across a group of boys, who randomly invite him to play hoops for their lunches. (Cut to a clip from True Lies'')'' Spencer Trilby (Charlton Heston): Why? NC: Probably so the film has a motion picture running time. (Pest wins the match) NC (vo): He beats them and takes their lunches. Pest: (takes some doggie bags for himself) Give me your lunches. That'll teach you a lesson, bub! NC (vo; as Pest): Score! These Dunkaroos will constipate me for a week! (Pest comes to his friends, Chubby and Ninja, to plan another scam at a festival) NC (vo): He meets up with two of his friends, played by Aries Spears and Freddy Rodriguez, who apparently pull off a ton of cons together. Pest: The key for this scam is to convince that I am (takes off sunglasses) bliiiind! NC: (grinning) Well, I certainly believe you'll have trouble seeing good scripts. (Pest goes to the festival and sees his girlfriend Xantha Kent there) NC (vo): He meets up with his girlfriend, played by Tammy Townsend, who's angry he missed dinner with her folks last night. Pest: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. There's nothing more I want to do than be with my girlfriend's parents. NC: (puts up both hands) Trust me, if you want to keep your foot down, you keep him away from those meals. Pest: (as both he and Xantha dance to samba music) ''I-I-I'll skip my previous commitment, aye? '''Xantha:' Really? Will you come to dinner? Pest: Abso-freaking-lutely. NC: Even as 90s dances go, that's very Nick Jr. (Shank shows up at the carnival as well and searches for an athlete he needs, but Leo sees Pest, who is imitating a blind person presenting a shell game, and mistakenly believes he's the one Shank needs) NC (vo): A German named Gustav Shank, played by Jeffrey Jones, finds the specimen he wants, but his accomplice confuses him for Pest pulling off a scam. (Zoom in to a tag "I Am Blind" that Pest is wearing) And again, I'll give credit, this did get a laugh out of me. (Two men wearing kilts come to Pest, knocking down the table. Pest is forced to escape to the place where he works as a delivery man, "Fat Wong Foo" restaurant) NC (vo): Pest gets caught, though, and hides at his job at an in-joke restaurant. NC: Well, given our track record, I see this ending spectacularly. (Pest is shown explaining himself to his boss, now dressed as a Chinese person) Pest: (with a thick accent) Me love you long time. Me so horny to you-you-you. (NC squints his eyes, feeling uncomfortable) Pest: ''(with a thick accent)'' I'm from far, far, far, far south. It's a goodsio? Okay, okay, okay. NC: A baptism from Mother Teresa couldn't clean how dirty I feel! Pest: ''(with a thick accent)'' 'I'm from south. He's a demon daddy, right? And I know that. Different dialect. ''(Zoom in to another employee looking down) '''NC (vo): This guy's wondering how Krusty the Clown's Chinese is somehow less insulting. (Cut to a clip from ''The Simpsons Season 9 episode "The Last Temptation of Krust", showing Krusty imitating a Chinese with buck teeth)'' Krusty: (speaking with an accent) Me like the fried rice! NC (vo): All that's missing is a gong sound effect-- NC: Do I even need to show you this happening? (Cut to Pest rushing from his boss' office, accompanied by a gong hit, to call somebody) NC: (sarcastically) The critics were right. (poster of...) Sticks and Stones really is the most insulting thing we've ever seen. (The call reveals Pest owes $50,000 to the Scottish mob, who want revenge against Pest so they can be feared again) NC (vo): He makes a call to a gang he apparently owes a lot of money to, the Scottish mafia. It's like we're leapfrogging from one insulted ethnicity to another! Angus: You know what day it is today? Pest: (in a Scottish accent) Sean Connery's birthday? Scotsman: (in the background) Sean Connery's birthday? (He crosses his heart as the musician next to him plays "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" on bagpipe) NC: It's pretty bad when they're thinking, "Maybe we should call Michael Bay to make things more PC." (Pest rides down the road in a small delivery cart, as the restaurant has got an order) NC: (hand on cheek) How would you like to be driving down the road, see a film crew shooting this and be like, (smiles) "That's gonna be a hit!" (It's revealed that it was Leo who made the call for delivery. After first seeing him, Shank decides to keep him anyway due to how irritating he is so he'll be more satisfying to kill after) NC (vo): He makes a delivery at Gustav's house, as his accomplice realizes he's made a mistake, choosing the wrong guy. But he sees the desperation in him, as anyone would have in Leguizamo at this point in his career, and decides he's perfect. Gustav says he saw him pretending to be blind, and...what a shock...he decides to keep it up. (Pest, all of a sudden, resumes his "blind man" act, wandering around while smacking into a glass, knocking everything down on his way. Shank is seen facepalming and rolling his eyes all the while) Pest: I've been blind to other people's faults! was going to become dumpling boy next week! (falls onto the couch) NC: That look on Jones' face seems to say, "Yeah, I was in Amadeus." Shank: (takes out money) A $50,000 cash scholarship to minority students. NC (vo): He offers Pest a $50,000 cash scholarship if he decides to go to school. But he has to do a few tests before he qualifies. (Shank and Leo turn up the ball launcher so Pest can hit them with tennis racquet, and the very first ball hits Pest in the head) NC (vo): Do you think the crew took turns hitting him, or did someone offer up a paycheck to do so? (Four instances of Pest getting hit by balls are shown at fast pace) NC: I'd be lying if I said I didn't rewind that scene. (A snippet of Pest getting hit the first time is shown six times. Despite Pest losing Shank's tests, the latter qualifies him anyway, so Pest drinks from a wineglass and launches it into a painting that falls down) NC (vo): He fails every test, but Gustav admits he wants nothing more than to end him. They say they have a tradition of hunting on Gustav's private island before the money is given. That's almost as forced as this edit done by a person who clearly just wanted to head to lunch. Pest: Sorry. (Fade out with a hunting horn being heard...and cut to Pest, Gustav and Leo outside the house the next morning) Pest: Yeah, come on, hurry up! I can't wait to bag me a deer! NC: (as a director) Hmm, I don't know if that helps the pacing of what I'm trying to accomplish here. Oh, what am I directing again? (as a producer, frowning) Pest. (as a director, leaving chair in annoyance) Oh, God, who gives a shit? (We go to a commercial. After this, we're shown Pest getting to Shank's private island, where his son Himmel, played by Edoardo Ballerini, resides) NC (vo): So Pest is flown to Gustav's private island and is introduced to his son Himmel. Himmel: (to Pest) There is no scholarship. You are only here because my father wants to hunt you. NC (vo; as Himmel): He wants to get the "Cute Person Who Answered the Fastest to Ice Age Sequels" trophy. There's surprisingly quite a few of those. (As he says this, a collage of people who voiced characters in the ''Ice Age ''films is shown, clockwise: Leguizamo as Sid, Denis Leary as Diego, Keke Palmer as Peaches, Wanda Sykes as Sid's grandma, Ray Romano as Manny, and Queen Latifah as Ellie) (Scared, Pest tries to run away, but he breaks the wall to another room where Shank is playing piano) NC (vo): He makes it to Gustav, who tells him what Himmel said and puts together that he's correct. Pest: Come on! You want a piece of me?! Get a piece of me! (Leo takes him by the waist firmly...and an urine runs out from Pest's trouser legs) Leo: I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper. NC: (grinning) Well, if it's a good enough joke for Garbage Pail Kids... (The clip from NC's number one worst movie is shown, showing the same punchline as shown above) NC: ...I see no reason why it shouldn't work here. Shank: If you survive for 24 hours, you get your $50,000. (Pest immediately grins as a cash register sound effect is heard) NC (vo): Like most of Leguizamo's roles at the time, he gambles a large payoff with certain death and agrees to be a part of it. Until he decides to back out again. Pest: (aiming at Shank with a mini-gun) Now, I've got the upper hand, gentlemen. What's that keeping me from shooting you right now? (Cut to Shank sighing (it actually rains in the background). Leo knocks the mini-gun out of Pest's face) NC: (as a director) Now, should we leave in the shot of it raining, even though it's not raining in other shots? (as a producer) Pest. (as a director) Right, right, I forgot. (Wearing a target, Pest hides in Shank's private jungle and sees a snake slithering towards him) NC (vo): The hunt is on, as Pest flees into the woods and comes across the local wildlife. (Pest abruptly takes a snake and plays it like double bass, then jumps it like it's a rope...and shakes it under his legs) NC: It's not easy making George of the Jungle look like Ghost and the Darkness, but if there's anyone who could do it...it's the guy who brought us Wizard of Oz on Ice. Can I see a clip of that?! (This TV special is exactly what it says in the title: figure skaters in the costumes of ''Wizard of Oz characters (in the clip, it's Dorothy and Tin Man) are skating around and making almost comical things like tapping on the shoulder or kissing in the cheek while the music is heard in the background)'' Tin Man: (singing in the audio) "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" I hear a beat...how sweet! NC: (smiling widely) That was a thing! (Shank and his son are knocked down by the swinging log into the pond, where they're caught in a web) NC (vo): Pest sets a trap for the Shanks...yeah, right, I wouldn't believe if you could set up a phone plan...but they get out of it and continue to hunt him down. (Cut to Pest taking a dump in the jungle. A deer is shown running off) NC: (grins) Oh, I get it, because POOP! (Himmel accidentally sets off his rocket that flies right into Pest's direction and explodes. Thinking Pest got killed, Shank and Himmel return home. However, Himmel is shocked to find the battered Pest inside his room) NC (vo): Himmel's bazooka on a string accidentally goes off, grazing the camera...oh, I mean, the totally realistic explosive device is shot, just missing Pest. Himmel thinks Pest is dead, though, so he goes back home, where he sees him sneaking in. Himmel: (holding up a vial with a red liquid) These are sex secretion pheromones. Father uses them to lure horny animals into traps. NC: (as Himmel) As a German Jonathan Taylor Thomas, this happens to me a lot. (Pest convinces Himmel to get him off the island, and both escape in Shank's boat) NC (vo): Pest takes some of them home to his girlfriend...gee, I wonder if this will be a thing again...and he convinces Himmel to take him back to Miami on a boat, even though they get seasick. (Himmel spits some vomit into Pest's face. In this shot, three lines that are the effects of transfering the picture onto the DVDs are seen on the left) NC: Gotta love a DVD transfer they care so little... (The arrow points out this flaw, even down to putting two of the Ninja Turtles above the shot) NC (vo): ...they leave the scratches in! It looks like Ninja Turtles are pissing into the frame! Pest: But I'd watch out for the seagullses if I was you. Himmel: (looks into the sky full of flying seagulls) Why? (And his face is covered by the seagull's excrement) NC: You know, if they're not gonna try with their jokes, I'm not gonna try with mine. So, here's another clip from Wizard of Oz on Ice. (Another clip from this TV special plays out, and this time, it's the climax that features the Wicked Witch of the West melting...while shaking hands and bending up and down in over-the-top fashion) Witch: (audio, speaking in fast pace) I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Oh, look out! NC: Eat your heart out, Mary J. Blige. (The interpretation of the Witch from 2015's ''The Wiz Live! appears on NC's right)'' (After the two are attacked by seagulls, Pest is forced to swim away. At night, he sees a pool party and reunites with Chubby and Ninja) NC (vo): Pest swims back to Miami, where he coincidentally comes across his best friends. Pest: What happened? What happened? Oh, my God!... (The word "God" echoes as the frame suddenly starts turning around, startling NC. The frame stops as Chubby and Ninja drag Pest out of the water) Pest: What happened?! What happened?! NC: I don't know. The film... NC (vo): ...had a stroke, thought it was Happy Days, (A short clip from this show's intro plays) and then sadly continued. NC: Can we pretend this was gonna be seen by an audience of some kind? Pest: (shaking Ninja) What don't you...? (sees a girl who flirtingly moves finger towards herself, but stops smiling briefly) NC (vo): He gets distracted by a hot woman, who is so repulsed by him, she can't even pretend to find him attractive to the end of the shot... NC: (as a director) Are you sure we want to show her looking disinterested--? (as a producer) Pest. (as a director) I KNOW, goddammit! I know! (The trio flee from the party when they see Shank arriving in his helicopter) NC (vo): ...but Gustav locates him in his helicopter, and they run away to hide at his girlfriend's parents house. (Going to Xantha's house for the dinner, Pest is revealed...wearing a huge afro, an African robe and sunglasses, with his skin painted black) Pest: Yo, wassup, freak? (shakes two ethnical instruments in front of the confused Xantha) NC: (facepalming in horror, but peeking from fingers) JESUS CHRIST! Pest: (to Xantha's mother) Yo, Mrs. Kent. I'm not sweating you, baby, but you're one fine heifer, (pinches her on the rear) you hoofy-berry, yeah. NC (vo): I was freaking joking about doing blackface earlier, but, God, I should have known not to put it past this movie!! Pest: (to Xantha at the dinner table) Does it scare you that I arouse the unsettling passions of the Dark Continent? (chants while shaking the instruments) NC: ...Sticks and Stones! Still the most offensive thing. Pest: (slams fist on the table) What does a brother have to do to get some respect around here, biatch?! (Xantha's father, played by Joe Morton, is shown just staring into nothing in the background) NC (vo): You think you're having a hard time watching this thing; how Joe Morton feels? Here's actual footage of him realizing he can't get out of his contract. (A clip from ''Terminator 2: Judgement Day is shown, showing Dr. Miles Bennett Dyson, played by Morton, panting heavily while cornered by T-1000. Cut back to the film)'' Pest: What's up, Daddy Mack-o Mack Daddy? You don't wanna feel being black? You wanna say, "Kill whitey! Free Angela Davis!" Say it loud! "Be black and be proud!" NC: (poker-faced) Anthony Michael Hall from Weird Science is more black than you. (Gary Wallace from this film is shown) Pest: (fanning himself) I'm burning up with passion! You know what I say, all right? Oh, come on, don't act like you haven't been there, dawg. NC: I take it back. (shot of...) Jan Brady in afro is more black than you! Pest: Now, I'm this close to rioting. (shows on his fingers) This close. If I wasn't so hungry, I'd leave! NC: The color white, (The white square is shown) LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF BLACK, is more black than you!! (Shank shows up because of the tracking device on Pest and tranquilizes Xantha and her family, forcing Pest to escape. While following him, Shank dials the number of Angus, who's in his hideout) NC (vo): Gustav locates him, though, and he runs away again. So he contacts the Scottish mafia. Shank: The word up is that Pest Vargas has skipped the foot in the morning, homie. Angus: Why are you telling me this? What's he done to you? NC: This is amazing. Really amazing! Literally every person on screen is... NC (vo): ...bashing an ethnicity right now! It's like asking David Duke to imitate the United Nations! It's so many degrees of wrong! Shank: This is the bum! Angus: We'll take care of it. NC: (as Angus) And why is my hand... (The shot of Angus on the phone is shown again, showing that the background's blurriness has Angus' hand in it) NC (vo): ...going blurry for a complex shot... NC: ...that for no reason needs to be complex? (Pest and Chubby ride around the city while on the run from Angus' cronies. Pest spots a synagogue nearby) NC (vo): The Scottish mafia puts out the word to keep an eye out for Pest, as he tries to look for a place to hide. Hmm, who haven't we pissed off yet--? Oh, this has promise. (Inside a synagogue full of people, Pest and Chubby are dressed as Jewish men) Pest: Shalom, and...mazel tov, my little gefiltes and yentas! NC: World War II and this. We apologize to all Jews for World War II and this. Pest: This is my farchadat associate, Rabbi Chubby Bergbaumsteenstein. He's an Ethiopian Jew from Ethiopia, of course. NC: Did someone just see the movie (poster of...) North and say, "We can do worse"? NC (vo): You want to know the weirdest thing? This whole segment doesn't even last a minute. They quickly leave and go to another hiding spot, meaning this section was put in just to show John Leguizamo cannot do a Jewish impression! It's like asking an actor... NC: (as a director) Can you do a Jamaican accent? (as an actor) No. (as a director) Put in a scene where he's a bobsledder from Cool Runnings! (as an actor) I said no. (NC/director nods, smiling) I said no! (NC/director still nods) (Pest and Chubby arrive to a nightclub, where two of its partygoers tease them) NC (vo): He tries hiding at a big party, where...I shit you not, I shit you not...some of the people there are racially insensitive. NC: (quizzically puts a finger on cheek) Oh, do tell. Guy 1: (speaking with an accent) This is a private party, Cheech! (laughs comically) Guy 2: Seriously, I bet you could get in the servants' entrance. (Both laugh) NC: (as Pest) If only they saw my Martin Luther King Jr. impression, I know they wouldn't be so close-minded! NC (vo): But the two of them have a surefire comeback to get 'em where it hurts...doing Beavis and Butt-Head impressions. Pest: (imitating Beavis) You guys are harsh. Harsh. Chubby: (imitating Butt-Head) Yeah, yeah, harsh. You guys are harsh. Pest: (imitating Beavis) Actually, you guys suck. (He and Chubby imitate the duo's laughing) NC: (chuckles) I know. There are so few things you can make fun of white people for, but of the couple, just the couple that exists...Beavis and Butt-Head is the most hurtful. Chubby: (imitating Butt-Head) Yeah, yeah, harsh. You guys are harsh. NC: You can literally play an episode of (poster for...) Fuller House, and it'd be more insulting to white people. (Pest and Chubby participate in a music battle against these two guys and win by stunning them with a huge speaker) NC (vo): They have a subwoofer...off, if you will, as Pest is so loud, it knocks them out. Better they fainted from the sheer power of those Beavis and Butt-Head impressions... NC: WE MADE WIZARD OF OZ ON ICE!! HOW IS THAT THE WORST YOU GOT ON US?!! (At the nightclub, Pest sees Shank and Angus' cronies, so he goes into the restroom to change into...a Korean buisnessman) NC (vo): They steal their tickets and enter the party, but Gustav and the Scottish mafia are there as well. So Pest disguises himself as...what is this Asian fetish you have?! Pest: (speaking with an accent) Don't show me nothing. Show me the way outta here. NC: Did you run out of continents to mock and just started repeating them? Pest: (to a huge Scottish guy) You buy Honda stock. Okay, get away. Your breath smells. Get outta here. Oh, he's so too sucky. NC: This whole movie is all the edited scenes from 40s cartoons... NC (vo): ...that were racially insulting. (Four shots are shown, which include several instances of racial jokes: ''The Truce Hurts (Tom and Jerry), The Aristocats ''and ''Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips ''(Merrie Melodies)) NC: Except somehow, those random clips would have more of incoherent plot! (Shank once again attacks Pest, only for Pest to cover Shank in a pheromone that results in him being swarmed by horny men. Pest and Chubby reunite with Ninja, only for them to be shoved into a car with Angus) NC (vo): Gustav recognizes him...what, through that brilliant disguise?...so Pest sprays him with those sex hormones to have everybody drawn to him. They're caught by the Scottish mafia, though, and are forced to...do an impression they like? Angus: Do it. Pest: (imitating Scotty from ''Star Trek)'' Captain, I cannot do it. The dilithium crystals are breaking up. She's gonna blow. (Angus and two of his men laugh) NC: I'm so glad he's next to... NC (vo): ...Aries Spears, an actual good impressionist while doing these horrible takes. He's just gonna sit there like... NC: (as Chubby) Oh, man, you're so much better at this than me! Hey, why don't you do you Shaquille O'Neal next? I hear you're... (through clenched teeth) ...really good at that! (Angus takes Ninja as collateral to ensure Pest pays his debts. Shank reveals he has kidnapped Pest's family and Xantha and her family, and has them on board a large boat) NC (vo): They demand their money, though, and Pest says he'll get it to them tomorrow and to take his friend as collateral. It's the close relationships that keep this movie afloat. Gustav kidnaps his family and his girlfriend's family, though, and says he'll kill them if he doesn't show up. Shank: (calling Pest) ...or you're gonna be one lonely little Latino. NC: Joke's on you. He already is, thanks to this movie. (As Shank and Leo drag Xantha above, a figure in an NBC suit appears on board) NC (vo): They sneak under Gustav's ship, and... (in a dumb voice) Gee, I wonder if this isn't him! Figure: Now, come closer. Pest: (revealed to be holding a rifle, startling Shank) Any closer, man, and I'd be intimate with you. NC: (as Shank) Thank God nobody took any effort inviting my character. NC (vo): But it looks like the drink he gave Pest earlier is poisoned. So...either way, it's a win-win for us. Pest: If I was poisoned, could I do this? (does a Latin dance in front of everybody) Or this? Or this? (Suddenly, the movements he makes are now backwards) ''Or this? '''NC:' FYI, I am not playing that backward. NC (vo): That is actually how the scene is edited in the movie. (The scene is repeated) Pest: (dancing "backwards") Or this? Or this? (NC/director thinks for a bit, then opens mouth to say, but...) NC: (as a producer) Pest. (as a director, tearfully) I know. (Pest collapses, seemingly succumbing to the poison. The next morning, Shank visits the bank to get the prize money, but sees a note on the case: "Answer the phone". Shank does so, and on the other line is Pest, who reveals he stole the money, had vomited the poison out while escaping the island, and has also revealed Shank's crimes to the authorities) NC (vo): He passes out, and Shank goes to a safe deposit box, where he kept the $50,000...if he poisoned him anyway, why did he have to do that?...but he gets a surprise. Pest says he puked up the poison on the boat and called the authorities to have him arrested. (The movie's final shot is Pest, Chubby and Ninja driving away on their van while throwing their prize in the air and laughing like Woody Woodpecker. The car plate says "Go Ninja") NC: Oh, to make things worse, they're Vanilla Ice fans. I just assumed the writers of Cool as Ice wrote this! (The end credits roll with Pest's opening shower sequence as the background) NC (vo): And because you liked it so much, here's literally the opening again as the end credits. Pest: (rapping) Old school beat meets Latin freak, and you don't stop! Back-up vocals: Sweet mambo! NC: Oh, thank God! For a minute, I thought they weren't gonna play it! NC (vo): But they predicted the audience that would no doubt be screaming from the theaters. (The same shot of an empty movie theater is shown again) NC (vo; as a man in the distance): Never play that again! (as the usher) Play it again? Sure. (as a man in the distance) Noooooo! Why am I still watching this? NC: And that was The Pest. Wow. Just...freaking wow! (The movie's clips play out again as NC lists his final thoughts) NC (vo): I'll give it this: it is...an amazing kind of bad. The bad comedy, the racial stereotypes, the lazy editing; it's all a fascinating disaster. Look, I don't mind bad taste, but it has to be done with some cleverness. (As he says this, posters for ''South Park, Sausage Party ''and ''Sticks and Stones are shown)'' But the only clever thing about this is that eventually they said, "We should stop at some point!" (sighs) I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard to recommend just for how terrible it is. I mean, it is kind of breathtaking in its stupidity, which can make it intriguingly entertaining. But all I gotta say is, Leguizamo must be a damn good actor to have the career he does, because if this didn't end it, there must be something strong keeping him, as well as any of us, going afterwards. NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and... (breathes out, feeling relieved yet disturbed) Woof. (gets up and leaves) Channel Awesome tagline - Witch: Oh, what a world, what a world! Oh, look out! (The credits roll) Trivia *This episode was scheduled to air on September 11, but was postponed to the following Thursday due to a Content ID claim by Sony. Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts Category:Nostalgia Critic Category:NC Mini-Reviews Category:Editorials Category:Sony